I feel like such a nuisance really when I let people help me. I am waiting for a friend to pick me up to go to the cottage. Being without wheels is so alien to me. I have been driving since the age of 16 and have had my own car for most of my life! The doctor told me yesterday that he really feels the dizziness, nausea and imbalance is all a result of surgery. I just need time. But no driving at night. No long distances and to use common sense about getting in the car if I am the least fatigued. I did go to get my hair cut yesterday. Doctor and I are going to look at a rehab program for me to help strengthen me as I have lost ground the past 2-3 months.

I took a pic of the Blue Heron in the pond. The loons call - so lovely to hear. We had a plane land in the cove, a yacht stop for dinner and a sail boat came up on the beach. All so pretty. Everybody is thrilled to have some sun.

I will see you in about a week. (Visit my website here.) Love Barbara

I am going to post about the four stages of chronic pain in a couple of hours. I am up from the cottage for the night, having seen my doctor. Need to take a bit of a break but feel compelled to write this evening. More soon! Love Barbara

Update 10:00 PM While I was waiting for my doctor appt today I browsed a medical magazine in his waiting room. The article was entitled “Coping with Chronic Pain” so it got my attention as I have had enough of THAT in my life. It quoted Dr. Allan Gordon, Director of the Wasser Pain Management Centre in Toronto. (Come to find out the centre is in Mount Sinai Hospital where I had my surgery.)

He states (and I will paraphrase) that he has found there are four stages when dealing with chronic pain.

1. CURE ME, Doctor. (Been there. Done that. Didn’t work. Distressed to the nines. Since my early twenties.)
2. Never-Ending Quest. (Been there. Done that too. Going all over the place trying to find answers/solutions, spending money on this and that to make it better. I think this is the absolute torture period. I would say this was in my thirties and early forties.)
3. Silver Lining. (Been there. Done that thank God! I began to “heal” living with chronic pain when I burned out in 1994. While still distressed I was beginning to see more good in life. More joy entered my life. I had tried this approach from the “head” before but the “heart” kicked into action. I think this lasted into my fifties.
4. Moving On. The author states, “This stage doesn’t mean expecting patients to suck it up and go home; it means helping them manage their pain so it exists in the context of a balanced life.” (I really believe I am at this stage. I manage pain quite well. I have a high tolerance to pain. I think physical pain has brought me many understandings of the plight of others.

Hubba Hubba is the fellow who made the sex offer to me and he said, “Barbara you are all about pain.” Well he may have been right - but I don’t think he realized where I was along the pain path! Although I have to tell you folks, I’ve read where sexual intimacy is advocated for pain relief in some instances.
So if you have chronic physical pain and happen to be reading this do take heart. Some days it may hurt worse than others. But those are the days you simply rest. You have to do that to take care of yourself. I also think regular activity is good for pain if you don’t overdo. And water is so therapeutic. And it takes some exploring to find what works for you.

Take heart! (See my website here.) Love Barbara

Both Gary Renard’s and Dr. Paul’s organizations have agreed to link to this blog/website. Both gentlemen have different messages but one very strong aspect in common - they are kind. In the meantime I am finally off to the cottage. Pamela is driving me down at ten. I will check in on Monday as I am up for a doctor’s appointment and will spend the night at home. Love Barbara

Today I went to the funeral of my Aunt Betty. I had not been in that particular church since my grandmother died in 1981. There is a stained glass window in the church commemorating the life of my Uncle - Harry Gill. Uncle Lloyd is Harry’s brother and Betty’s husband of 58 years. The service had to be moved right along for today as there is a wedding in Ontario Friday (Betty’s grandchild) and family are traveling to it tomorrow. My cousin Robert was in Labrador and not able to get home in time but is coming home in two weeks.

I really wanted to go today. I was dizzy. So my sister Heather and her husband Pat picked me up. Heather was my supporting arm. It was the strangest feeling to be holding on to her arm going into the church, exiting and at the graveside just beside the church. I also had to sit most of the time others stood. So this is very strange for me. I felt conspicuous and - well it’s alien to me. I always led. I didn’t stay and socialize in the hall. I would have liked to. The last time I saw Betty was when Mom was living. I took her to an anniversary party. Betty and I had a dance.
I had a reading from Pauline Edward couple of days ago. Pauline is one of the contributors to Soul Gifts. She’s very gifted and spent an hour going through my natal chart and giving me status from an astrological point of view with some reference to numerology. I don’t understand all of this but it interests me and I find it helps me make sense of where I am at in my life. My chart indicates I will have some time yet that is required for healing - up to two years but by 1010 I will again become very social and in better form. That was inspiring to say the least. Pamela arrived with plants for the condo today. Sure is coming together!
Love Barbara

The dizziness is bad. I am still at the condo instead of at the cottage as my Aunt Betty Gill died: I planned to go to the wake. Betty was placed in a nursing home a year ago and had a stroke recently. So I am happy for her as her condition was not reversible. I know how taxing all of this is on family as we just lost Mom last year. My Uncle Lloyd and family are in my thoughts tonight. I wish I could be with them as just the family gather together tonight, The funeral is tomorrow. I miss not being part of the gathering this evening but am certainly with them in thought. Transitions. Uncle Lloyd has his summer property up for sale as well. He has had it about fifty years.

Due to this dizziness I have to nix any get together with Agent Orange group Wednesday and declined attending a birthday party of a very good friend this week. This is no fun! Thursday Pamela is taking me to the cottage early in the morning as I do best in the morning. I cannot drive while I am like this as I feel as though I would be a danger to others on the highway and perhaps risk my own life! I will have a driver take me to the doctor on Monday. I can’t believe this level of dependance. My friends say it is all my lessons to learn about letting others help me and surrendering my will.

Dear Pamela just left the condo with materials I want considered for donation to the York Sunbury Museum from my mother’s side of the family. These include a needlework sampler dated 1853, ledger dated 1878, a bible commemorating my maternal Great Grandfather Sherman Bunker’s birth dated 1853. There are other items from the early 1900’s as well as a quite elaborate item of clothing - boned with hand stitching. These will be presented to the Board of Directors on Monday evening apparently. I have asked for a tax receipt.

The blog site is being upgraded to accommodate my Ireland videos. (See my website here.) Love Barbara

Today I focus on packing for a retreat at the family cottage for a month. I am taking a few paint brushes and try my hand at some watercolour. While there I am going to build myself up again physically by paying special attention to my diet and getting some exercise. Coiincidentally, a few members of Agent Orange Canada are gathering from Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and Ontario at a location near the cottage. I hope to be able to meet them for coffee. The cottage is also close to Roberta MacKenzie who accompanied me to Toronto (and is one of the voices in Soul Gifts: The World’s Self-Help Book) so I hope to spend time with her as well. Family and friends will visit me off and on. It should be relaxing while I continue to give my body time to recover completely. (See my website here.) Love Barbara

Cleaning out paper today I found a scrap. I had jotted these words while on the bus:

Mountain ranges

as soft as the sheep

that graze them.

Love Barbara (See my website here)

Sunset from the condo’s balcony. I have an end unit and see this from my living room and dining room as well. I have flip-flopped about going to the cottage due to my dizziness and the amount of rain we have had. Older Son told me he would act as chauffeur if I can’t drive. So this leaves me feeling ok about going down. Last evening I called the family and told them I made a decision to go. I will hunker in for about a month. The cottage is shared and we have been in the area for over fifty years. It is comforting to enjoy what is old and familiar. So I head to Grand Lake (Jemseg area) late Monday or early Tuesday. I won’t be online much during that time.

I added notes about The Burren /Ireland today. (See my website here.) Love Barbara

I am going to a natural healer today. Maybe it will help. She is from Nova Scotia and is visiting just around the corner from me. My dizziness returned with a vengeance yesterday. I had to keep my head down for about four hours after being out to my counsellor (regards the cancer and current disability I am on) and a stroll through a greenhouse. I seem to be receiving steady reminders that I cannot do a lot just yet. It’s the pits as I am such an active person normally. But my spirits are good and I know the depression I was going through post-operatively has lifted. I see the doctor again on the 25th. Daughter wants me to visit she and the children in the Moncton area (Granny Suite is now ready) so I am thinking of taking the bus in another couple of weeks. I can’t drive that far. I am hardly driving at all. This is something I miss.

I have permission to work in the treed area off my patio so this weekend I would like to fuss a bit there and get some air. The trees are full of birds. So lovely.

I was just revisiting the Agent Orange Canada web site this morning. It is a wealth of information. I belong to this group. This volunteer organization is doing so much for many - quietly and persistantly. I have had little chance to assist them but support them wholeheartedly. Jim Cadger encouraged my involvement and participation in the class action. He has since passed on. He told me the deadly spraying affected the area in which I spent all my summers as a wee child and in my teenage years (the sixties) I was in the direct line for spray drift when I stayed at my grandparent’s - directly across the Saint John River from Base Gagetown. I think I must be a strong person in many ways as I have made it to age 57. I seem to have had immune system suppression which has caused me many health difficulties.

As is said, “Sanity is Realty”. Many seem afraid to admit to the reality of our past. So where is the sanity? (Visit my website here.) Love Barbara

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Update 7:14 PM The session with the healer today was very intensive. She told me my energy was off-centre and to my left (cancer was on the right). So she worked with me for about an hour on the table. I did a lot of breathing and felt my body ease. At one point her light touch over the upper aspect of my pubic bone (cancer was close to the groin) was like a deep burning sensation. Uncomfortably burning. It was amazing. I told her it was burning and she offered to stop the treatment. I told her to keep going and it eventually decreased in intensity. This was absolute energy from her hands as she was not pressing on my body in any way.  When we spoke afterwards I talked truthfully to her about feelings I have about my future. She told me she had a sense that I will be fine - that I probably have another 25 or more years ahead of me. This healer does not charge. She accepts donations. This woman has exceptional healing touch. She suggested I stay very quiet over the next two weeks while Pamela Nelson works away at preparing my art exhibit and the Mrs. Lister project. I could not have managed the past many weeks without Pam’s assistance. She has been a blessing. True blessing. Do check out her photography. (See my website here.)

On the trail to Grant Bay on Vancouver Island there is a wonderful Sitka Spruce. This is a picture of Alice (who sometimes acts as my surrogate blogger ) and her son Mike as they crouched this summer in the arms of that old tree. (Michael is a forester in Northern BC and Alice had a visit with him.) This picture speaks so intimately to me. Son and Mother. Mother and Son. We mothers have a special place in our hearts for our sons.

In the front of Soul Gifts there is a quote from New Brunswicker Herb Duncan. He said, “The tall, lean sitka spruce asked the stunted bent and knurled spruce clinging to the cliffs along the Bay of Fundy, “Why don’t you look like me? You are also a spruce.”

“Oh, it’s from the many years of bitter, cold winters, the salt spray and the constant winds from the Sou’West. Now do you understand?”

That tree provided a soul gift to Alice and her son. And to me. As did Herb’s comment about the two spruce trees. I received another soul gift in the post yesterday. From England. The artistic rendering by Simon Glancey arrived. This artwork depicts my Uncle Harry in combat. My grandmother would love this legacy for the son she lost when he was twenty. (Visit my website here.) Love Barbara